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Death of a Client

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It was Friday morning at 10 and he didn’t show up for our appointment.  This is not unusual in general, but it was unusual for him.  I worked with this man, I will call him John, which is not his real name, for 15 years and he was very diligent about letting me know if he wasn’t able to make it in.  I tried to call him after about 10 minutes and left him a voicemail.  I didn’t hear from him so later that day I sent a follow-up email.  I still hadn’t heard anything when I came in on Monday, so I tried to call him again and left another message.  Later that evening I received an email from his brother informing me that John had died a few days ago but offered no details on the cause of death.

This was the first time I experienced the death of a client in my 21 years in private practice.  It seems inevitable in a way, but it still felt like a shock.  John was 69 and had chronic depression and he seemed to need and enjoy our times together over the years.  He had a variety of complaints about the aches and pains of growing older, but he stayed physically active and had no serious health problems that I was aware of.  A reminder that death comes in its own time and in the end, we are not in control.

As I took it all in, I felt surprised and sad.  We were not friends, and our relationship was confined to one hour, once or twice a month.  Nonetheless, we had a warm and friendly relationship that developed over the years as I sat with him and processed a range of issues and emotions.  As a therapist, I never really know what the relationship means to my clients, but it seems it was significant to him too.  As I met with other clients throughout that week, some of whom were also long-term clients, John was in the back of my mind.  I found myself being more intentional than ever to be present, value each person, and try to make each session meaningful and impactful. 

Death is something most of us don’t like to think about or talk about until it touches us in some way.  In those moments we remember that it is something we all have in common, no matter our lot in life.  In the past year I noticed that John had been paying more attention to his spirituality and talked more about religion and faith.  This is something I have observed in other people too as they have gotten closer to the end of life.  Death humbles all of us and can be a great reminder of what really matters and sharpen our focus on how we want to live and who we want to be.  From time to time over the years John and I joked about the movie Grumpy Old Men, and the scene where Jack Lemmon is telling Walter Matthau about a friend who died suddenly from a heart attack and Walter responded, “lucky bastard”!  It is my hope that in the end, John felt he was one of the lucky ones.  I miss you John and I am grateful for our time together.

The Trauma of 1/6/21

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This has been a painful week for our country and many of us as citizens.  I have struggled to understand what is happening, why it is happening, to feel my feelings, and process it all.  There has been a range of emotions and thoughts, but what has been stirring most strongly in me is a deep sadness.  Sadness for the country I love and witnessing the desecration of what most of us thought was sacred.  Sadness for the hatred and insurrection on display by a mob of mostly white Americans.  Sadness for our black and brown brothers and sisters who had to see obvious symbols of hatred, and the double standards of those who are supposed to serve and protect all of us.  I feel sad and bewildered that there are so many hurting and angry people in this country who have turned to a man who is so badly flawed to lead them to some imagined promised land for there own kind.  I feel sad that so many of us still use and abuse religion to justify acts of discrimination, exclusion, and violence. 

There is also a pervasive feeling of fatigue in the air and in my soul.  This crisis in Washington is only the latest in a series of events that portrayed hatred, divisiveness, and violence this year.  And it is all happening within the context of a pandemic that has taken a huge toll on individuals, families, our economy, and the world.  At least with the pandemic there is a virus we can identify as our common and external enemy, and yet we have managed to politicize this too and point fingers at one another.  It has been a hard year, but the problems run much deeper than 2020 or any politic party or individual.  Perhaps in this outrageous moment in our history we can stop and look in the mirror. 

Like most of us, I have been reading, reflecting, praying, meditating, talking with people, listening, thinking, and searching for ways to make sense of it all and to respond somehow.  One perspective that has been helpful is the insights of those who study historical and collective trauma.   Consider the words of Thomas Hubl, who is an author, an international spiritual teacher, and a contemporary mystic: “From a mystical perspective, every systemic and seemingly intractable social problem, regardless where it plays out in the world, springs from the same source:  humanity’s deep social, historical, cultural, and multigenerational trauma – our unhealed and unresolved past.”  Trauma is a word that refers to wounds or injuries, whether individual or collective, from a particular event or from the cumulative effect of ongoing smaller assaults to one’s well-being.  The manual for Transforming Historical Harms, which details a restorative justice approach, refers to trauma as “the set of reactions and responses to an event or circumstance that was experienced as overwhelming.” “This sense of being overwhelmed has biological, emotional, behavioral, spiritual and even societal consequences, which can remain if not healed.”

When we see confederate flags being raised at the capital, see the symbols of extremist white supremacy groups, and listen to the words of hostility and arrogance spoken during this insurrection, it is clear we are witnessing the symptoms of unresolved historical trauma going all the way back at least as far as the civil war in this country.  We do not usually think about the trauma for those who fought and lost the civil war and how their social and economic status dramatically changed, but it is evident that many have deep, unresolved, multi-generational wounds, whether they are aware of them or not.  So, in addition to holding people accountable for what transpired, it is critical to find our way forward and bring healing to our nation.  Think about these words from the Gospel of Thomas: “If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you.  If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.”  This points to what is required for the healing of trauma, whether current or historical, individual, or collective.  The Transforming Historical Harms framework outlines a process for healing:

  • Facing the historical facts and circumstances that initiated the historical trauma.
  • Making connections by reaching out, listening, and developing relationships across groups divided by historical trauma and harms.
  • Healing wounds through acknowledging, discussing, letting go, and making right the harms to mind, body, and spirit.
  • Taking action to change the beliefs, systems, and structures that perpetuate trauma.

Healing and resolving trauma can be a complex process that is a journey over time, and only works when people are ready and willing to engage in the process.  In my experience as a therapist, resolving past harms involves a similar process of confronting our wounds, being present to our feelings, responding to our internal pain with love, and finding compassion and forgiveness towards those who have harmed us.  It is my hope that the shocking tragedy of this day in our history will spur a shift in consciousness and open a window of opportunity to do the work of healing.  In the end it may not really be so complicated.  As it says in Romans 12:10: “Love one another with brotherly love.  Outdo one another in showing honor.”  We can hope.

Colorful Conversations

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I recently went to visit the site of the George Floyd tragedy and memorial.  I have had mixed feelings about going because I have been struggling to understand what I feel, how to respond, what should I do.  I was moved as I walked around looking at the artwork, flowers, signs, and the names written on the blacktop of Black Americans who have died in clashes with the police over recent years.  One piece of art struck me hardest.  It is a picture of raised fists of all colors and the words “Unity in Community” at the bottom.  My heart said “yes”, then my mind reflected on how far we are from that reality in this country.

How do we get to unity?  How do we even move in that direction in a sustainable way?  I lack the experience and expertise to map out a strategy or a path that can point the way.  I get overwhelmed by the complexity of racism that is woven into our history, consciousness, policies, and systems.  And yet, I also realize that becomes an easy excuse, a justification for doing nothing.  Isn’t doing something better than throwing up my hands in despair?   Should I not at least try, rather than allow time to let the issues recede once again into dimness in my personal and collective awareness?

What I do know is that unity may happen spontaneously for brief moments, but it will not be sustained without intention and work.  Community comes from the experience of knowing people as real human beings.  This requires opportunities to interact, spend time together, and have meaningful conversations and connections.  This can only happen at the local level; in our schools, churches, workplaces, neighborhoods, and other places people gather.   For most of us, this is not the norm and is outside of our comfort zone.  But how else will we know one another?  Of course, it is more difficult to congregate during this time of COVID-19, yet we can find creative ways if we try.

Perhaps one way to think of this is having “colorful conversations”.  Yes, the pun is intended, not for humor, but to emphasize that we cannot know another person’s experience and perspective without listening to understand and being honest about our own point of view.  Perhaps there is a way for a white person to gain some understanding of a person of color.  It may be a way for a person of color to understand the thoughts and feelings of a white person.  And what about those in blue?  It may be very eye-opening to listen to the experiences of the officers who are out on the streets everyday doing their jobs.  What if those officers really listened to the perspectives of the people of color who fear them?

I recognize that just getting to know people of different colors, cultures, backgrounds, and experiences does not address the complex, systemic issues woven into our society.  However, it is somethings each one of us can participate in if we are willing.  Colorful conversations will not build community if we approach them out of guilt, pity, or a desire to punish anyone, including ourselves.  These may be very valid feelings and they need to be heard, but the intention must be to learn from each other and find new ways of being with one another.  This may disrupt our worldview and may ask us to change.  Maybe the time for more unity and community has arrived.  At least it may be a place to begin.

Broken Open, Not Broken Down

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Driving around the city is very strange these days.  Restaurants open for take out only, mall parking lots empty, and freeway traffic moving more freely than normal.  People out walking around seem more friendly, nodding to our shared experience and hungry for additional human interaction.  Behind these scenes are human stories.  Some of those stories are a mixture of upside-down feelings, while at the same time noticing it is kind of nice to slow down or work from home.   Some are stories of deeper pain, fear, and despair for many reasons.  Tuning into the news reveals the grim statistics of loss and struggle and chaos on a level most of us have not witnessed before.  We feel the sadness in the air and know some things are lost and some broken beyond repair.   We hope for positive changes and regeneration to also be a part of this COVID-19 story.

Poets, prophets, priests, and various wise women and men over time have observed that being heartbroken is not only human but necessary for our growth and evolution.  In Savage Grace: Living Resiliently in the Dark Night of the Globe, authors  Andrew Harvey and Carolyn Baker declare that we must go through a period of being in the dark hole of chaos, followed by a rebirth, in order to truly grow up.  Poet Gregory Orr put it this way:

Some say you’re lucky
If nothing shatters it.
But then you wouldn’t
Understand poems or songs.
You’d never know
Beauty comes from loss….

Yes, life breaks our hearts at times, and some of those times seem too much to bear.  But the hope is that our hearts can be broken open, not broken down and shattered.  When our hearts are broken open, truth can enter in.  Truth we need to hear, to see, to know.  It may be truth about our hectic and self-absorbed lives, and awareness that we cannot go on in the same way.  We may connect with sadness or with new hope for future generations.  When we are broken down, we cannot hear truth because we fall into despair or bitterness or hopelessness.  When we are broken open, we can humbly admit our need for help, for other people, for spiritual guidance and soul searching.  When we are broken down, we experience humiliation and shame.  Being broken open leads us to healing and greater empathy and compassion for ourselves and for others.  Being broken down leads us to emotional isolation and indifference towards others.  Being broken open does not mean we have all the answers, but we are open to learning, to growth, and to life. 

A woman I met with recently had been sad, lonely, and unhappy in her marriage for many years.  Despite past efforts, she carried this burden silently in her heart until she began to break.  She came to the point where she decided she needed to leave and search for a sense of home again.  She poured out the truth about her broken heart to her husband, fully prepared to act on what she needed to do to save herself.  This level of truth and openness shook him, and they started to talk openly, honestly, and with no agenda.  To her surprise they started to experience new stirrings of life and connection between them, and they agreed to keep talking and see what happens.  When I saw her again, she had a lightness and hope she had not felt in a long while.  This was a marriage broken open.

Within each story of tragedy, pain, and struggle there lies the possibility of being broken open.  We may not comprehend how it is possible or be able see beyond the moment.  There are times we have no answers and we are painfully aware we cannot control life.  But we do have choices in how we respond.  We can allow ourselves to fully feel whatever it is we are feeling, which healing requires.  We can reach out and ask for help and allow others to be present with us. We can begin to speak the truth to ourselves and others with no conditions or demands.  We can humbly ask for Divine grace to hold us and open us up.  I leave you with the words of poet Rainer Maria Rilke:

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue.  Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them.  And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now.  Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.

Manifestations of Anxiety

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Today I am writing from a more personal perspective because the COVID-19 season is not academic, and no one is immune from human emotions.  For many this is a time of anxiety, at least in some moments.  Anxiety effects both mind and body and manifests in a variety of ways, maybe subtle and maybe overwhelming.  It may show up as fear, worry, restlessness, agitation, anger, or even panic.  It may disrupt your appetite, concentration, or sleep and may speak in the language of dreams.

One of those anxiety laden dreams showed up for me last night.  I was trying to lead a small group of people out of some city and was unable to find the way out.  It was not clear where we wanted to go or what we were trying to flee but we experienced one frustration after another.  The city was unfamiliar, and the streets kept changing.  I could not remember the street signs that may lead us out.  We walked up a steep hill only to discover it was the wrong way, and when we tried to turn back the path was covered with rising water.  I awoke, as is typical, before finding a resolution to the dilemma we faced.   It doesn’t take a psychologist to see the themes of helplessness and anxiety in that one.

 As stated before, anxiety strikes both mind and body and you must pay attention to both to manage it well.  I knew I needed some movement today so I took a walk and headed for a nearby woods.  I was hoping to feel peace there and sure enough the birds were singing, and the trees stood strong and silent, simply bearing witness to the season.  I also decided to walk through a nearby cemetery on my way home and noticed several people doing the same thing.  I realized as I walked that every single person buried in that cemetery had known fear and experienced the ups and downs of life, and yet again they stood bearing silent witness, reminding me that indeed everything will pass.  I noticed a particular headstone that stated, “Only three things last; faith, hope, and love, and the greatest of these is love”.

Pauline Boss is a retired University of Minnesota professor and author of the book Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief.  She recently gave the sage advice to avoid extremes of “either/or” thinking during times like these and embrace “both/and” thinking.  For example, this is a scary and difficult time and I have the support and resources to get through it.  It is easy to think either in terms of denial or despair.  Denial helps us function in some ways so that we don’t walk around thinking about our mortality all of the time.  But denial is not helpful when you pretend there is not a real crisis just because it hasn’t hit you personally and you then behave in ways that endanger yourself and others.  Despair of course can be equally destructive and will generate fear and hopelessness in yourself and others alike.  Finding a rational perspective will empower you to cope in more constructive ways.

During moments of heightened anxiety, getting to your rational mind is easier said than done.  It requires slowing things down, calming the body and quieting the mind.  One approach many people find helpful comes from Emotional Freedom Therapy.  A particular exercise I like is one I have come to refer to as the “heart hug”.  Hold both hands across your chest as if giving yourself a hug, think of a both/and affirmation to say to yourself as you breathe.  Here are some examples: “Even though this is a scary time and I feel anxious, I know right now I am okay”.   “Even though I am upset, I can choose to take good care of myself and those around me”.  “Even though I feel out of control, I deeply and completely love myself”.  Hold your hands in place as you say the affirmation, then take three deep breathes.  Repeat this process three times and pay attention to how you feel when you finish.  Let me know how it works for you.  Wishing you peace.

The Time is Now

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In Ecclesiastes chapter 3 we read these well-known words: “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.”  Here are a few that seem especially relevant for this COVID -19 season:

  • A time to weep and a time to laugh
  • A time to mourn and a time to dance
  • A time to embrace and a time to refrain
  • A time to be silent and a time to speak

There is a time to learn from history and a time to listen to the future.   Many people have noted that this pandemic feels similar to 9/11, when our world changed overnight, and fear took root.   Because of the global scale and the dramatic ripple effects of this crisis, some point to World War II as the last time the world experienced change on the scale we are living through now.   Whether these turn out to be fair comparisons or not remains to be seen.  Looking forward there will be important choices to be made which could lead us deeper into fear, lead us back to business as usual while ignoring the bigger underlying problems being exposed by this crisis, or lead us to transformational changes.

There is a wonderful book called Presence by Peter Senge, C. Otto Scharmer, Joseph Jaworski, and Betty Sue Flowers.  Presence is a concept borrowed from the natural world, in which the whole is entirely present in any of its parts, and the parts exist as embodiments of the whole.  They outline a process for learning when what we know from the past leaves us blind to profound shifts when whole new forces shaping the future arise.  They outline a process for taking time to suspend our habitual ways of thinking and examining our mental models and assumptions, redirecting our attention to the source rather than the immediate things in front of us, letting go and surrendering our need to control, and then opening ourselves to the future that is trying to emerge.  This internal development is an ongoing journey and their version includes what they call seven spaces:  awareness, stopping, calmness, stillness, peace, true thinking, and attainment.  When you reach true calmness of mind, then you’ll be able to reach true quietness or stillness. When you have stillness, you’ll be in a state of peacefulness in which you can truly think. When you can truly think, then you can attain the goals that you’re supposed to achieve. 

It is time for stillness, deep learning, and change.   The coronavirus crisis has presented us with an opportunity for a reset and what we do with it is critical.  As a society we have drifted in the direction of trading freedoms for a sense of security.  Anyone over a certain age can see dramatic differences in the freedom we had as children to roam and create our own adventures compared to the children of today.  We remember the time when we could meet loved ones at the airport gates. Consider the movement towards fear and hostility regarding immigrants.  This crisis has amplified things and it feels like a pandemic of fear; of getting sick, of strangers getting too close, of loss of loved ones, jobs, and financial security.   In recent decades we have also been driven culturally by values of greed and self-centered priorities which have created extreme wealth and power disparities and put us on a path of destroying the planet and threatening the extinction of all species.  This is all like chasing after the wind. 

Social distancing is necessary right now and we need to protect our public health, but as the threat of this virus subsides, will we slide deeper into fear and permanently accept giving up more freedom to create the illusion of safety?  Or will we remember how precious it is to live in community, have contact with one another, and have the freedom to assemble?  Can we acknowledge that risk is inherent in living and choose to be fully alive?  Will we continue to allow the values of selfishness to set the course of our society?  Or will we embrace the values that affirm life such as compassion, fairness, kindness, passion, adventure, respect for one another and the earth?  We have seen these values coming forward in good people everywhere during this crisis, as they always have in crises past.  Individually, we can choose to live these higher values, see the world more holistically, invite spiritual renewal, and help turn our societies to affirm life.  Collectively, we can demand that our leaders stand up and develop policies, programs, and structures based in humanistic principles. There is a future waiting to emerge that depends on us to co-create.  It will emerge only to the extent we are willing and able to commit to operating from our deepest values, focus our attention on what really matters and the problems we need to solve, and take actions based in the future rather than patterns of the past.  There is a time and it is now.

How Did We Get Into This Mess?

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There are times in life when we get jolted out of our normal reality by events that seem harsh and hard to understand.  Many times bad things appear to be random and there is no way to really know why they happen, such as the tragic death of a young person or someone near and dear to you.  Sometimes, even in tragedy people find meaning and respond by trying to do something good in the world.  There are other events that serve the purpose of waking us up so we pay attention to something gone wrong, something out of balance, and in need of a course correction in our life.  These are sometimes very personal struggles and sometimes they are collective experiences.

One such jolting experience was the election of Donald Trump, which has thrown many people into some level of despair and provoked soul-searching questions like why and how could this happen.  Ken Wilber, the leading scholar, philosopher, and author on Integral Theory has tackled those questions in a new eBook, “Trump and a Post-Truth World”, (see link below) and offers the most comprehensive perspective I have seen.  He makes a compelling argument that this event was a necessary correction for the cultural evolution of our country.

Integral theory provides an elegant framework for understanding human and cultural development and can be applied to individuals, groups, and societies.  Spiral Dynamics is a related framework and these frameworks demonstrate how we have culturally evolved and how our world-views have changed over time.  As we work our way through the stages of development, each stage will transcend and include the stages that go before it.  On a basic level, it is similar to child development where we learn to crawl, then walk, then run.  Each stage is necessary and has value, and we become capable of more complexity of perspective as we grow.  In the normal course of development, we also become more compassionate, inclusive, and less inclined towards violence and destruction as we mature.  However, people are not aware of this developmental hierarchy in general and so up until a certain level we tend to believe our own world-view is the superior and correct way to understand reality and those who are at a different level are inferior and wrong.

Ken Wilbur uses this developmental framework to show how those at the leading edge of evolution, at what he calls the green level, have gotten way off-track, and directly contributed to the conditions in our culture that led to the Trump election.  Specifically, he calls out those on the liberal political side for losing balance in perspective and failing to include and understand the perspectives of those at different levels of the hierarchy, and instead displaying an attitude of ridicule and superiority.  He explains the contradictions and hypersensitivities of those at the green level which were imposed on others in the form of excessive regulations and political correctness.  His point is that this contributed to the seething anger and resentment that Trump exploited which carried him into office.  He describes this result as a necessary halt in our cultural evolution, a step back to regroup and re-balance before we can move forward again.  His call is for deep reflection and self-evaluation and an overall course correction.  He also describes a vision for how this can happen.

This book does not deal with the questions of how we can counter the immediate threats of an autocratic administration, however it does deal with the larger questions of how we got here and how we can make the needed adjustments to get back to a more sane and compassionate direction for our country.  This is a heady book and not an easy read, but if you want serious answers to why we have gone so far off course, what we need to learn from it, and how to move forward in creating a more healthy and compassionate world, then I highly recommend taking the time to digest what Ken has to teach us.  You can find a copy in my digital library here.

 


Do You Long to Feel Significant?

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A number of scholars and authors have written about our primary human needs. Perhaps the most well-known is Abraham Maslow who wrote about the hierarchy of needs. Another related framework that I find useful is described by Chloe Madanes in her book Relationship Breakthrough. This framework of core need has also been used by Anthony Robbins in his teaching and coaching. According to Madanes, the premise of human needs psychology is that each individual is a self-determined entity able to make choices about how to get his or her needs met. Biology, chemistry, and early life experiences are all influences that we can choose or refuse to be effected by.

In order to make conscious choices about meeting our needs we need to have some level of self-awareness. I used the following simple exercise from my book, Date Night Conversations, with some clients and it led to some surprising revelations: Read more


A Day of Peace

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On December 25, 1914 the guns of British and German soldiers fell silent, and soldiers sang carols in No Man’s Land. The Christmas truce during WWI happened spontaneously as soldiers on both sides heard their enemies singing carols. A few brave men climbed out of their trenches to exchange Christmas greetings and then began to exchange food, sing carols together, tell jokes, and even play soccer. The unauthorized truce spread along the 500-mile Western Front, including more than 100,000 men. It was a day of peace in the midst of war.

I think that is an extraordinary story that reveals a deeper truth known instinctively by these soldiers that only love and peace are real and sane and it is how we are meant to live. War, poverty, crime, pollution, and other forms of fear and destruction are distortions and indications of our collective wandering off of the path of love. Read more


Date Nights Improve Communication, Sexual Satisfaction, and Commitment

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As Valentine’s Day approaches couples around the world begin to think more about setting up the perfect romantic date.  Flowers, chocolates, jewelry, dinner, theater, or a bed and breakfast are all traditional ingredients of great dates.  Others prefer much more simple and low key options such as taking a hike together or sharing a cup of coffee.  What really matters is not the activities or the amount of money spent but the quality of the time spent together.  Do you enjoy one another’s company?  Do you listen deeply to one another?  Do you show up to each other with vulnerability and respect?

Research from social-science studies supports the importance of couple’s taking one on one time on a regular basis.  According to a 2012 report by The National Marriage Project from the University of Virginia, the literature suggests that date nights may improve communication, increase fun, create more romantic feelings, strengthen commitment, and reduce feelings of stress.  Furthermore, taking couple time together at least once a week has a positive correlation with happy relationships.  The study also found that women who went on weekly dates with their husbands experienced Read more


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